And now a word or two (or three or four):
In honor of the late Larry King, I will be using all kinds of fragmented
thoughts to start my second real blogpost. Feel free to comment, as always.
Bar bands are like hookers that try to copy each other's technique; sooner
or later, they all sound alike, and the floor will be sticky no matter
where you catch them...I have to vote for Kerry, but I'm far from proud of
that; remember when you voted FOR somebody? I don't, but my grandma used to
swear it happened sometimes...could I hate Shaq and Kobe more than I do?
No. It is impossible to conceive of two lower forms of basketball life, and
I remember the Larry Bird-less Celtics and Jordan-less Bulls...I like
hockey. I like ALL hockey, even NCAA or women's hockey. This is ironic,
since I know diddly-squat about the actual sport. It just looks like so
much fun. Same for football and rugby. I know almost nothing about them,
but woo hah, are they fun to watch...I once drank with John McEnroe at the
New Haven Coliseum; I was 11...The Space is the best place on Earth, and I
wish I had a million dollars to donate for their overhead and renovation
plans...if you want to give money to charity, don't have any, but manage to
scam it off someone else, you just MIGHT be a Democrat...if you steal it
for yourself, then condemn a guy who tries to take it from you, you're a
Republican...I like basketball; I stink at it, but on those rare occasions
where I make a play, it's sweeter than a cherry pie with Redi-Whip
topping...Snoop Dogg is the next LL Cool J, but snappier in the threads
department...we will never have peace on Earth, but as long as we have
Oingo Boingo, Motorhead, and OutKast in the van, I imagine we'll be okay...Dr. Seuss was a god, and Dr. Phil is a jerkweed...I like Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, but if they
ever came to my house, they'd have to start with Muggsy as a warmup, and
that would kill them...Ever notice how Halle Berry keeps divorcing people
whenever her marketability improves? It's like watching Ann Heche bounce back and forth between the footlong at Shea Stadium and the tuna sub with hot sauce at Subway...If you believe in something with all
your heart and soul, you can still be wrong, but at least you're not like
all these newly-minted Pats/Yanks/Lakers fans, all of whom are bedwetting
halfwits. If you didn't stick with these teams through the hard times,
you're a coward and a loser. Granted, I started rooting for Chicago after
Magic retired, but that was just because I watched MJ vivisect the
then-hated PissTins...no matter how much times change, I still love saying
it: Zydrunas Ilgauskas...Someday we'll laugh about all of this; I say we start now.
I AM GUTHRIE, AND I ALMOST FOCUS SOMETIMES
- Muggs is my boy.
One time, back in 1990, a bunch of us were playing football at Bassett Park in our Unnamed Connecticut Stomps. This was done mostly to Impress Girls (namely, so our friend Mat could impress his girl, The Chihuahua...the rest of us couldn't buy dates, most of the time). Muggs had the good fortune to line up against me (he was still a male model at this time; in later years, he would go to seed, but back then he was only mildly awkward with a LOT more stamina, at least as far as football goes). I have always dreamt of being a running back (despite being built like a center or iron-man nose tackle), and in situations with no clock, I'm more than happy to move those chains. Muggs went for a leg tackle, missed my leg, and grabbed my tackle. My response was uncharacteristically succinct.
"Forward motion has STOPPED. The play is over. Let go, Muggs."
Muggs realized immediately what he had done, but being Grodd's Gift To Clever SOBs, he looks up at me and says, within earshot of the girls:
"I thought it was your leg."
When I achieve my cosmic destiny, Jonathan David Muggleton, know that your name will be spoken ONLY WITH DUE REVERENCE. I have the best friends on Earth; yours are OK, but mine are the all-time fking best.
Ok, time to go watch Dallas and Sac-town. I swear it's worse than watching my kids fight (at least I technically have the PPV rights for that!). I love Dallas and Sac'to, from owners to benchwarmers...and they're not the Lakers.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Oingo Boingo, Best O Boingo
I'm Your Fan, A Tribute To Leonard Cohen (as performed by a lot of people you don't know, a couple you do, but nobody who's had much success since this was made back in 1991)
Fatima Mansions, Lost In The Former West
Black 47, Fire of Freedom
Living Colour, Vivid
Coldplay, A Rush of Blood To The Head
Radiohead, OK Computer
GREATEST BASKETBALL PLAYER OF ALL TIME, THIS WEEK
Magic Johnson. Sure, MJ has the stats, the rings, and the money...but Magic played all 5 positions over the course of one postseason. Respect due, respect given. Anyone who says Bird was better is an ignorant cracker.
To quote the Self-Appointed American Poet Laureate, 1995: Go with yourself! Go with yourself!
I am Guthrie, and there's more where this crap came from.